Posts tagged #stepmoms
My Mother's Day Club
I was several weeks late on my wedding day and found out that morning I was not pregnant. It was our 3rd month of trying and I marked it as officially not being in the "effortless conception" birthmother club. I knew intuitively that day another path may be planned for me.

I was several weeks late on my wedding day and found out that morning I was not pregnant. It was our 3rd month of trying and I marked it as officially not being in the "effortless conception" birthmother club. I knew intuitively that day another path may be planned for me.

This is the first Mother’s Day in four years of trying to become pregnant and then giving up on becoming pregnant that I don’t care about the club I'm not in. The didn't-try, oooops, I got pregnant when my husband looked at me, I drank tequila and got pregnant, I didn't think it would happen that fast, infuriating, effortless conception birthmother club. I actually don't care. It's delicious. I might tomorrow, but I don't today. I didn't plan to write this, but I must, while it's here. It just arrived. Clear, blissful awareness: I don't care.

This day used to be like the peak of a mountain of the hot, cramping shame that comes with only giving birth to pain. To release this shame is to realize I am in a club. Every woman who miscarried, crossed the threshold into a cold clinic, experienced not hours but years of labor before seeing her birthchildren, or raised and loved like there was DNA when there was not, is in my club. Every woman who thinks only of those going through what she went through and names their pain when she posts her children's baby pictures (or names it by rarely or never posting) is in my club. And especially, the "unexplained infertility" woman who wanted to and did not conceive, miscarry, or give birth is in my Mother's Day club. We may not know surprise in a pierce and tug below the navel, or our birth children, but damn...we know ourselves.

My Mother's Day club includes stepmoms, especially the ones that concentrate on offering what they needed and did or didn’t get. I don’t require anything from our boys so that I can feel better, and I see the relief in their eyes when they know I am here for them, not me. The gift is, they let me know them. They share their lives with me. It's not on display, and it is real, alive, and unbreakable. I went through a lot to be able to understand and create that, and I'm proud of myself, and satisfied and content with our busy daily life. For that, I am able to gratefully receive Mother's Day wishes from absolutely anyone, annual flowers from my my mom, and great gifts my husband.

Here is my club's mission-ish statement, in case you want to join. "I am enough, and most of the time it feels good to have gone with the will of the wind and not a fixed fantasy." As in hospital photos on Instagram. Sometimes it bewilders and shocks me mine only got taken after surgery. Alone, drowsy, my husband holding up his phone camera saying "babe, you look really pretty". I still sense psychic echoes of a growing girl-child with one shoe under her bed and another in the car that make me feel crazy. I count how old she would've been from a successful procedure date. Sometimes it hurts so bad I have to find a powder room to cry in and I feel my heart actually spasm. I don't eat it or work it away anymore like at first. I have the guts to sit and feel it, and the heart strength that comes of sitting with it gets passed on to everyone I love, especially my man. It also goes to all my friends who had and are having babies. I get to actually feel happy for them. It's a miracle, and they are welcome in my club. All effortless conception birthmothers are. We are in this together.

I carry on in the way that works for me: believing that if that was my fate it would have happened, and that I prefer to relax, let go and trust. You may have a different way to carry on. In my club, everyone gets their own way and no one tells them what it is- they find it out on their own. In my club, happy endings are Divinely Ordered and they all look different. Deep womanhood and abiding motherhood apply to a vast array of people to love, projects to deliver, and experiences to cherish. In my club, we know that yearning and learning have a place in a woman's life, for all she may not see today, but will.

You are not alone.

Love,
Amy

P.S. write me if you feel like it. somethingbetterpodcast@gmail.com This week's podcast is an interview with Bestselling author Claire Bidwell Smith, who is an incredibly vulnerable, truthful writer and definitely inspired me to write this.

 
Do You Fantasize About Leaving Your Spouse?
Jenna Korf has a thriving coaching practice helping blended families be of loving service to innocent children and each other. Check out her  WEBSITE

Jenna Korf has a thriving coaching practice helping blended families be of loving service to innocent children and each other. Check out her WEBSITE

If so, let's do a little R & D, okay? I'm a second wife and a stepmom and I accurately describe my situation as benevolent, manageable and peaceful. That doesn't mean I don't face big challenging feelings at times. However, I am not up against painful resistance on a regular basis like some stepmoms. The nature of the situation would be challenging for anyone-it's not for the faint at heart. I feel grateful all the time for our situation, because while seeking info about blended families in order to contribute consciously, I've learned that lots of people are going through HELL. They are at best, managing tough moments and at worst, experiencing alienation, court dates, and wars over finances. Why am I doing a podcast on this? Because if you're a mom and a wife and you want to leave, I really hope you consider that the fantasy inspiring your departure could get killed quickly by a pile of daily pain. (Yes, I'm trying to scare you as much as a doctor scared Stevie Nicks into stopping cocaine.)

This week's podcast is for....

Female spouses: let me be a big splash of cold water on your face while you kindly consider that statistics show, divorced men find partners very quickly. How's that feeling in your belly right now? 

Singles out there: if you're open to dating a parent, the dating pool will immediately widen and deepen, so hear me out and consider if you'd possess a skill set as a stepparent. You're very likely to find a guy if you are open to dating a parent.

Stepparents and parents out there: We are in this together. Take Jenna's mission to heart and protect your children.

You have choices! If you need help, email me at somethingbetterpodcast@gmail.com and let me point you in the right direction. 

xoxo

Amy