Posts tagged #marriage
Amy interviews her husband Oliver

When I felt that sad, nauseous, panicky feeling of STILL being single, I made a big decision one New Year's Day. It happened to be 1/1/11, the day I got dumped by a nice man who was definitely not right for me, but I hoped would commit to me because I was getting "old" and was in SO much fear. Hot! (not.) That actually turned out to be one of the hardest years of my life, but if I had to go back I WOULD do it all again. Because I allowed my pain to move me. I surrendered. I got closer to my Source. I worked hard, on all areas of myself, with a lot of time love and attention.

The big decision was this: I have a desire to attract commitment and lasting love, therefore I am seeking advice or experience from people who are committed in a relationship and experiencing lasting love. It was that simple, and it remains my intention today. I was motivated by one bold indelible moment that had taken place the year before: I bumped into a fellow yoga teacher who was very pregnant and overdue. She said "all my acquaintances who have never had a baby go on and on to me about what I should do...and all the birthmoms that I see just nod and smile, without a word." What was that? It burrowed into my consciousness. I wanted to be married, therefore I wanted the nod and smile of marriage, therefore I'll hang out with married people. Listen to married people. Ask them how it happened for them. Ask them to set me up. (how I met my husband, btw) In addition, if I heard about a great book on marriage from an author who wasn't married, I didn't buy it. When I attended an event with a love coach who had all the feels and buzz you could ever want, I bounced when I heard her say she was divorced and working on manifesting her "perfect" guy now. (Besides, I didn't want a perfect guy. I wanted the messy, alive human being that I would hear fumbling in the other room, whose hopes and dreams and baggage all matched mine like a puzzle.)

Here's what happened: it spilled over into other areas of my life. I stopped getting distracted by squeaky wheels that had never actually rode their wheels into the thing they were talking about. And the bottom line was, when I sought the guidance of married people, it felt POSSIBLE. I got good at it. I curated and pinpointed my search. I gravitated toward feminine energy women who were married to masculine energy men. The landscape of my acquaintances changed. I permitted lapses in professional boundaries with private yoga students whose homes I entered, and found they were enthusiastic to impart something personal about marriage to me at the end of a session. I sought out members of my personal growth community who seemed happy, and good at self care, and demonstrated trust and self respect by not meddling in their husband's affairs. I listened to them. I heard things like "Yes, I probably would've done it better, but I'm not tellin him that!" and "There's only one captain on a ship" and "He had to take a call during dinner, but I decided not to take it personally." I'd imagine myself in that scenario. I learned who to ignore. Like a woman who told me she regularly snooped in her husband's email and laid down the law that she would be the only driver because "he's such an idiot behind the wheel".

Out of this decision came a more acute understanding of myself, and what I needed. I discovered commitment to an even earlier early rise with a siesta was best for me, and I started to carve out my self employment schedule of teaching yoga and writing songs in a different way. By the time I met my husband, I had let go of evening classes on Monday and Thursday nights. Precisely the days he did not have his kids. (Not an accident. A law of the Universe at work.) My afternoon siesta opening turned into an opportunity to pick up his kids after school once we had made a commitment to dating long term.

I still maintain steady exposure to people who are committed to kindness and respect towards their spouse, and avoid those who are not. Even a recent interview with Sarah Jessica Parker on the Goop podcast proved to be something that will remain with me. When asked about her lasting marriage, she said something like, 'it's so satisfying to be irritated, but I'm sure he gets irritated with me, too.' She talked about seeing her future with her husband and wondered if a small thing is really important in the face of that? This is the kind of thing I am talking about. Big picture is great, but if you want how, you gotta hear from people in it. So in the spirit of offering to you what I myself needed, I'm sharing from my present-day treasured, spiritual, messy married life with my husband Oliver. I love him more than when I met him. Hope I can help you trust that he or she is out there, and fulfillment is possible. Because it is.

On Chakras

You are more than just a bag of bones- you are a consciousness. You are a spiritual being in a vessel that is your responsibility. If you're leaving your comfort zone to change and grow, deep care is more important than ever.  Each ailment, pain, illness and discomfort delivers information and awareness, if you will allow for that. A tool paramount to this process is developing a personal awareness of your chakras--what Deepak Chopra calls "junction points between physiology and consciousness". One more not to my female singles...realize, ladies....that when you let someone in with intercourse, you are letting them into more than just your physical body...you are letting them into each and every chakra. Are they worthy?

My Mother's Day Club
I was several weeks late on my wedding day and found out that morning I was not pregnant. It was our 3rd month of trying and I marked it as officially not being in the "effortless conception" birthmother club. I knew intuitively that day another path may be planned for me.

I was several weeks late on my wedding day and found out that morning I was not pregnant. It was our 3rd month of trying and I marked it as officially not being in the "effortless conception" birthmother club. I knew intuitively that day another path may be planned for me.

This is the first Mother’s Day in four years of trying to become pregnant and then giving up on becoming pregnant that I don’t care about the club I'm not in. The didn't-try, oooops, I got pregnant when my husband looked at me, I drank tequila and got pregnant, I didn't think it would happen that fast, infuriating, effortless conception birthmother club. I actually don't care. It's delicious. I might tomorrow, but I don't today. I didn't plan to write this, but I must, while it's here. It just arrived. Clear, blissful awareness: I don't care.

This day used to be like the peak of a mountain of the hot, cramping shame that comes with only giving birth to pain. To release this shame is to realize I am in a club. Every woman who miscarried, crossed the threshold into a cold clinic, experienced not hours but years of labor before seeing her birthchildren, or raised and loved like there was DNA when there was not, is in my club. Every woman who thinks only of those going through what she went through and names their pain when she posts her children's baby pictures (or names it by rarely or never posting) is in my club. And especially, the "unexplained infertility" woman who wanted to and did not conceive, miscarry, or give birth is in my Mother's Day club. We may not know surprise in a pierce and tug below the navel, or our birth children, but damn...we know ourselves.

My Mother's Day club includes stepmoms, especially the ones that concentrate on offering what they needed and did or didn’t get. I don’t require anything from our boys so that I can feel better, and I see the relief in their eyes when they know I am here for them, not me. The gift is, they let me know them. They share their lives with me. It's not on display, and it is real, alive, and unbreakable. I went through a lot to be able to understand and create that, and I'm proud of myself, and satisfied and content with our busy daily life. For that, I am able to gratefully receive Mother's Day wishes from absolutely anyone, annual flowers from my my mom, and great gifts my husband.

Here is my club's mission-ish statement, in case you want to join. "I am enough, and most of the time it feels good to have gone with the will of the wind and not a fixed fantasy." As in hospital photos on Instagram. Sometimes it bewilders and shocks me mine only got taken after surgery. Alone, drowsy, my husband holding up his phone camera saying "babe, you look really pretty". I still sense psychic echoes of a growing girl-child with one shoe under her bed and another in the car that make me feel crazy. I count how old she would've been from a successful procedure date. Sometimes it hurts so bad I have to find a powder room to cry in and I feel my heart actually spasm. I don't eat it or work it away anymore like at first. I have the guts to sit and feel it, and the heart strength that comes of sitting with it gets passed on to everyone I love, especially my man. It also goes to all my friends who had and are having babies. I get to actually feel happy for them. It's a miracle, and they are welcome in my club. All effortless conception birthmothers are. We are in this together.

I carry on in the way that works for me: believing that if that was my fate it would have happened, and that I prefer to relax, let go and trust. You may have a different way to carry on. In my club, everyone gets their own way and no one tells them what it is- they find it out on their own. In my club, happy endings are Divinely Ordered and they all look different. Deep womanhood and abiding motherhood apply to a vast array of people to love, projects to deliver, and experiences to cherish. In my club, we know that yearning and learning have a place in a woman's life, for all she may not see today, but will.

You are not alone.

Love,
Amy

P.S. write me if you feel like it. somethingbetterpodcast@gmail.com This week's podcast is an interview with Bestselling author Claire Bidwell Smith, who is an incredibly vulnerable, truthful writer and definitely inspired me to write this.

 
An Interview with Laura Doyle
NY Times bestselling author Laura Doyle

NY Times bestselling author Laura Doyle

Laura Doyle is the woman who started the worldwide movement of women who practice The Six Intimacy Skills that lead to having amazing, vibrant relationships. She is a New York Times bestselling author whose books have been translated into 17 languages. She founded an international relationship coaching company and has appeared on The Today Show, Good Morning America and The View, and she has her own TV show on Amazon called "Empowering Wives". My favorite part of her bio is "The thing she’s most proud of is her gratifying, 27-year marriage with her hilarious husband John, who has been dressing himself since before she was born." LOL, and ha-hem....

I read her book "The Surrendered Wife" my first year of marriage (after I gave my first copy to Good Will! Ha!) and it shifted a huge area of our life for me--finances. Laura was a total delight to interview and is full of lighthearted, crystallized phrases, such as "a complaint is an upside down desire" and "respect is like oxygen for men" (I couldn't agree more.) Whether you are single or married, don't miss this episode!

 
An Interview With Empowering Goddess Gabby Reece
Gabby Reece and Laird Hamilton

Gabby Reece and Laird Hamilton

World renowned athlete Gabby Reece is my guest on the podcast this week! She was open and intimate about being married (with three kids) to Big Wave surfer and innovator Laird Hamilton and gracious to have taken time to share her experience with us. I'm on the path of leaving my comfort zone so my dreams can come true too, right along with you. Yes, I feel vulnerable and odd when I'm asking people to meet me on the web for an interview, but it is always worth it no matter the outcome. Gabby is a personal hero and walks Something Better talk. I am super grateful to have had this chance to share an hour of her full life. Listen in, pick up her NY Times Bestseller My Foot is Too Big for the Glass Slipper and email me your thoughts! somethingbetterpodcast@gmail.com

xo
Amy

 
Good Air
clouds4.jpg

Good Air

I once read that Jerry Seinfeld said he married his wife Jessica because she was “good air”. I loved that- something about her was just breezy, high, good weather. And to me, that was what I was doing when I was sharing my philosophies during yoga classes I taught for many years. I wanted to help everybody get to their good air. My student Michael once came to my Friday 7am telling me that in the middle of the night he had remembered a guy he saw sleeping on Pico Blvd. So in the morning, he made a breakfast sandwich thinking, ‘if he’s there, I’ll give it to him.’ He was. He came to that class so, so happy. That’s good air. We all have stuff and avoiding it is impossible. I am the first to fall down a well of my own self pity and forget others, and forget perspective-but we can still attempt a daily shift. So this week on the podcast, 25 sentiments I’ve carried, learned and discovered that can cultivate "good air" in you- and let’s just say I attend my own lectures.

Communication: Healthy Romantic Relationships & Equity vs. Equality

This week on Something Better, Jack FM DJ and voice over artist Howard Cogan (also the husband of my dear friend and matchmaker Rebecca Cogan) and I bring our dinner table discussions to the airwaves...topic? Equity vs. Equality. I consider equity in romantic relationship to be a shifting and shared responsibility between two fallible human beings who are dedicated to harmony in this third entity, the relationship. Equity I like in the workplace but I believe it kills chemistry in romantic relationship and causes people to resentfully bicker and keep score. Whether you are a single or a spouse, tune in and trade-in keeping it scored for keeping it HOT!

have you ever wondered what the DJ on Jack FM looked like, or if he's married and has kids? This week you'll find out!

have you ever wondered what the DJ on Jack FM looked like, or if he's married and has kids? This week you'll find out!