“I have just one more thing to say….”
is probably the thing I say THE MOST. But two years is a long time to do a project so I'm sending out one more final farewell about the podcast. It ran from September 2017-Sept 2019 and I learned a LOT from doing it. The biggest thing I learned is that launching a second passion project involving helping others in addition to music was overwhelming. I wanted to rise to my aspirations, but I fell to my training and skill set. It was either get my Master’s in Psychology, or follow what I have always done from my soul: sing. Ever since I was a little kid, I have been overwhelmed with thinking about others and how I can help them. That’s how this project began. But the harder I tried, the less I succeeded. I was unable to keep my sponsors, create content, coach, and write songs. However, it all seemed connected; I couldn’t seem to remove one thing without compromising the whole. I just kept working. Urgency and impatience became a daily state of being. But the truth was, I just couldn’t picture a future for the podcast. I was encouraged to become a speaker, but I couldn’t see it. (All I could think was “will they let me sing?”) I have always been able to visualize clearly everything I’ve done, before I did it, so not being able to visualize it all concerned me. Even still, I just kept working. I answered doubt by taking a break. I gave up coaching and planned a more specific season. But then Divine Energy took over. I planned a show that would be about the podcast, with music, and it got canceled. I've never had a show get canceled on me in all these years, and it felt spooky. Then, my health fell apart, and I simply couldn’t work. I woke up from anesthesia at UCLA to find out some minor health issues were just that, minor, but severely exacerbated by stress. I had to accept that I was suffering from attempting to relieve suffering in others. My husband also worked on the podcast as hard as I did, along with his full time job. We were taxed. The irony of sharing about finding a marriage relationship while neglecting it’s course was not lost on me. I had to retreat from seeking future great (ego) to celebrate present good (soul).
It’s been wonderful. I feel like I had amnesia and I am remembering my life. Oh! A leisurely dog walk without my phone, without answering a coaching client, or listening to a lecture or book, to learn on the job. The light in the kitchen at this hour. The kids coming home, sitting on the stairs with them instead of cruising back to my studio with an afternoon dose of “adderall” (dark chocolate. I also even gave up COFFEE.) I am getting better.
Still, my heart goes out to anyone going through the social isolation of feeling prepared to partner and not finding anyone. Kaufman said “grief without social sanction is heroic”. It is, but who wants to be a hero, when you really just want to be a wife? I hope the podcast continues to create some comfort along the klunky journey. They will still be everywhere you can listen.
I really appreciate each and every one of the listeners. My download numbers were not impressive enough to keep sponsors, but I looked at those numbers and pictured you, and how per episode, you’d fill up a pretty big room, larger than my music shows! I send you love, and magic. If you’re still reading this, it means you may have been moved by the episodes, or are seeking some help. I welcome you to the free downloads still here, the quiz, etc. This website will be live through February of 2020.
Also, if you are a die hard SB fan, exciting news. I have some finished episodes that were intended for season 3, and I am offering a link to a download of them as gifts to anyone who is willing to help promote my music on instagram!! Just email me for details. email@example.com
I have surrendered my heart’s desire to help others through the magical medium of podcasts. Who knows? Maybe something else will come Down the Line. (yes, I want you to click on that and listen.) Authentic, the wonderful company that launched and cheered me on for two seasons, left the door open. Perhaps a more sustainable situation will arrive. Meantime, I’ll be writing songs and makin’ dinner for my kids.
I'll leave you with this. Here’s to failure. I admit I'm better at failure than success, so it's easy for me to say it, but here's to it. Here’s to the vulnerable, blushing, hot cheekbones of hanging your heart out there and coming up short. In a world of slick self education, podcasting and online classes full of experts that refuse anything but false imperfection and panicky climbing, here's to trusting the process and making art out of your life, hour by hour, day by day. The online world is moving so fast that “imposter syndrome” is now a constantly treated condition through videos by self appointed gurus. Not interested. I’m celebrating being human and f*ing giving up. Maybe imposter syndrome is the highest part of you, begging you to admit that you’re doing something you’re unqualified for, and you need to go back to school. Strangely, I had to jump into this boiling pot to discover and decide that, but that’s me. I leap. I don’t look. But…
Please keep in touch with me on www.amyloftus.com !! I am very happy to be doing a job I (pretty much) know how to do and would love to hear from you and/or see you at a show.
Why I started the podcast:
I was constantly wondering how so many incredible and professionally fulfilled women over 35 were unmarried and discovered at that time, according to the NY Times, that 51% of women were living without a spouse for the first time in US history. I no longer felt alone. I felt a kinship with women I hadn’t yet met, and together with them (energetically) I started asking, “How did we all get here?”
51% of American women are living without a spouse for the first time in U.S. history
Meeting Pat Allen after I moved back to Los Angeles from Nashville, (on a hunch my true love was there) radically changed my life. Seeking and utilizing her research and teachings, and seeing them work in my life heavily influenced this podcast. I met my husband six weeks before my 40th birthday. I knew in about two weeks that he was my husband. (but I did not tell anyone that!!!)
Getting married at 41, when I had anticipated getting married in my twenties, was a journey I really want to share, in the hopes of helping women and men out there adjust to this new "normal" and find true love. Or, maybe you found love early in life, and have been married for over a decade and feel frustrated and sad that you can't find the spark you once had. In that case, I want to help you keep true love.